All in my head

Seriously, what is wrong with you? Who are you? Did you stop living? And why? Why would you stop, life is messy. Snap out of it! Let it go! The nightmares are back. You wake up screaming, only you are not awake. It’s not until the others in the house wake you up that you realize the one screaming is actually you. Oh, how do I make the nightmares end? How do you make the pain stop? How do you make the ghosts of your past disappear forever? How do you not become that person you dread so much? How do you stop punishing yourself for something that happened so long ago, for a moment when you stopped to breathe, and lost….everything. You lost yourself, you lost who you were. You became someone, something you hate. You have done the therapy thing and they say you are good to go, and you deal with the demons that haunt you, only they show up once again. Only this time they are different. They are self-doubt where before they were hate. Only, I am not sure I can feel anything, because I have become comfortably numb. You see, I let you in, and you couldn’t handle the beautiful mess in my head. And now we barely speak, and I miss it. I long for you to make me laugh until I cry. Someone asked me who I was punishing, and I will admit I had to stop and think for a moment. The person I was punishing was me. Where is the point in that? What good does that do?

Stand straight, deep breath, you are stronger than this. You are better than this. Chin up, tomorrow will be a better day, it has to be.

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